Ok, here we go. It's just a one....two....
How do you decide the right moment to jump. To take that existential leap of faith and fly out into the foggy horizon. I read something recently that said that risks were scary, they had to be. If they were a piece of cake, everyone would be taking a slice. And as I sat there with my shivering cold feet backing out of my one moment, I realized that those words were exactly what I needed to hear.
You see, I am quitting my job tomorrow. On a rainy, gloomy Monday morning I am marching into a building I have been walking into for two and a half years and proclaiming that I will be leaving. There are so many reasons behind this but by far the largest most powerful reason is that I have lost myself. I don't know when or how it happened but suddenly my life became filled with reviewers and contracts and less with writing and photography.
And the day I realized this I began to wonder, when do we decide to put ourselves away in a drawer in favor of slacks and a name badge? When we are kids we are told to "dream big" "reach for the stars" "follow your heart" and then suddenly in our 3rd to 4th year of college, corporate America comes rushing in with sharp suits and large paychecks and says "forget those childish fantasies, come away with us where everything is gray and drab, where you can be a responsible adult." And somehow that pitch convinces us all. We stick it out for the security and the "right thing to do" we put away the adventure, the risks and we tell ourselves that we are big kids now and our responsibilities come first. Then in the darkness of a movie theater or buried deep in the pages of a novel, we slowly open those drawers again let our sparkly daydreams come out and flit about around our heads.
Enough is enough. No more secrecy, no more waiting until tomorrow or the next day for the easy path into happiness. It is time to leap into the dark and firmly seize the happiness that I want. No one else can create that destiny for me. And if I don't reach of and grasp it now, I may never get the courage again.
So wish me luck tomorrow and evaluate if you too need to take a second look at the leap of faith that you could make for yourself.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
How Much Time?
Do any of us know? How often do we wish for the days to pass, for the moments to escape us just so we can reach a far off destiny that holds all of our happiness. How often do we ignore the ticking clock and make plans for tomorrow or the next day because "today is just too busy". Are we so ignorant to believe that we are in control of our own time? Have we not yet learned that tomorrow is never a promise but a privilege?
On Tuesday evening, the world lost a good soul. And yes, in the scheme of the billions that the world contains and the hundreds born that very minute maybe 1 soul does not shake the earth, but it does shake the world of hundreds. For those of us who lived in the presence of this soul, who inhabited their world beside them for a time. For those of us who knew of it's existence, the world rumbles with it's loss. And for those of us left behind, no matter how close we were, we are left paralyzed by this sad reality.
Often is takes moments like this to rid us of our ignorance. To restore our humanity and remind us that life is not a guarantee. That each minute could be the last breath, the last kiss, the last moment that you will have and that each of those minutes should be cherished. Now, I know that weeks from now I too will be dreaming of a Friday afternoon but I can only promise that I will not be dreaming in vain. I will not be wasting the minutes in between pursuing an empty goal. I refuse to ignore that I am letting my life pass by undetected. I promise to learn from this simple soul and pursue my true passion. Because at the end of the day, if I am racing to my final moment, will I look back with regret or with pride that I chased down my heart's desire with every last breath.
RIP, your life has become an inspiration. Thank you.
On Tuesday evening, the world lost a good soul. And yes, in the scheme of the billions that the world contains and the hundreds born that very minute maybe 1 soul does not shake the earth, but it does shake the world of hundreds. For those of us who lived in the presence of this soul, who inhabited their world beside them for a time. For those of us who knew of it's existence, the world rumbles with it's loss. And for those of us left behind, no matter how close we were, we are left paralyzed by this sad reality.
Often is takes moments like this to rid us of our ignorance. To restore our humanity and remind us that life is not a guarantee. That each minute could be the last breath, the last kiss, the last moment that you will have and that each of those minutes should be cherished. Now, I know that weeks from now I too will be dreaming of a Friday afternoon but I can only promise that I will not be dreaming in vain. I will not be wasting the minutes in between pursuing an empty goal. I refuse to ignore that I am letting my life pass by undetected. I promise to learn from this simple soul and pursue my true passion. Because at the end of the day, if I am racing to my final moment, will I look back with regret or with pride that I chased down my heart's desire with every last breath.
RIP, your life has become an inspiration. Thank you.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Storm is Clearing
There are times in life where I am slapped in the face with the reality of my own influence. Not influence in the power hungry, man about town way but influence to shape and change the course of my life. In my previous post I talked about how we squash our dreams through neglect and disbelief and how we should all be challenged to figure out instead how to achieve them. Now I sit here in thankful disbelief with 4 known photography jobs coming to me. For friends/family of course but still the fact remains, I am someone's "photographer of choice". The reality of this small kindness is not lost on me. In a world where people buy and pick up their cameras on a regular basis I know how amazing it is to pick just one. Pick someone and entrust them with capturing the special moments of your family, the glow in the faces of new parents, the twinkle in a mischievous 2 year old's eye. I know how special these moments are and I take the job of capturing them very seriously.
In addition to this I am finally venturing out on my own. After talking about having my own place for years, I have finally found it! It is both a sense shock and an excitement vying for attention in my body. I just can't believe it is actually happening. And as I sit back and reflect on these moments I realize that I may have been the only thing standing in my way for so long. It may have been my insecurities lassoing me and pulling me back to the comfort zone of dreaming. As I longing stared out of my bubble into the life I wanted I never considered that I was in control of taking the first step out. The lesson that lies within this experience is learning to trust myself. Learning to trust in my own eyes, my senses and my ability. When you just let go is when everything finally has a chance to fall into place. Here we go....
In addition to this I am finally venturing out on my own. After talking about having my own place for years, I have finally found it! It is both a sense shock and an excitement vying for attention in my body. I just can't believe it is actually happening. And as I sit back and reflect on these moments I realize that I may have been the only thing standing in my way for so long. It may have been my insecurities lassoing me and pulling me back to the comfort zone of dreaming. As I longing stared out of my bubble into the life I wanted I never considered that I was in control of taking the first step out. The lesson that lies within this experience is learning to trust myself. Learning to trust in my own eyes, my senses and my ability. When you just let go is when everything finally has a chance to fall into place. Here we go....
Friday, October 15, 2010
Scaredy-Cat
Dreams are a funny thing. Whether sleeping or awake when we dream of an event or a moment, we envision the perfect version of ourselves. We imagine that we are the most intelligent, beautiful and witty versions of ourselves. But most of all, we envision the strongest, most confident, self-assured version of our person that every could exist. It is in these dreams that we play out all of our best arguments, successes, life-choices. In these dreams we live the life we can only, well, dream of.
Somehow though when our eyes refocus or the sun wakes us up, we lose all of this. We lose the confidence and the witty retorts, we lose the strength to pursue the life that we so obviously long for. Suddenly we are awake and the dreams are just part of another night without enough sleep. As we shower and prepare ourselves for the day we forget the perfect line that we formed in that argument with the evil witch in the castle. We forget how we dominated that Olympic game and finally beat China in gymnastics. We forget how we lived in those moments and we resign ourselves to the silly assumption that "it was not reality".
What if it is? What if my photography really is worthy of a National Geographic Cover. That my friend's bakery could one day grace the pages of Bon Appetit as the place to go. That he can one day rush into that burning building and save the day. Why do we begin to sell ourselves short before we have even woken up enough to give it a try. I say that it is time to reverse this order. Let our sleeping selves type away in madness to ungrateful co-workers. Let our sleeping selves believe that it is impossible. Let the awakened version pursue those "impossible" dreams and make that a very possible reality.
I challenge you: what is your best dream? and how will you make it real?
Somehow though when our eyes refocus or the sun wakes us up, we lose all of this. We lose the confidence and the witty retorts, we lose the strength to pursue the life that we so obviously long for. Suddenly we are awake and the dreams are just part of another night without enough sleep. As we shower and prepare ourselves for the day we forget the perfect line that we formed in that argument with the evil witch in the castle. We forget how we dominated that Olympic game and finally beat China in gymnastics. We forget how we lived in those moments and we resign ourselves to the silly assumption that "it was not reality".
What if it is? What if my photography really is worthy of a National Geographic Cover. That my friend's bakery could one day grace the pages of Bon Appetit as the place to go. That he can one day rush into that burning building and save the day. Why do we begin to sell ourselves short before we have even woken up enough to give it a try. I say that it is time to reverse this order. Let our sleeping selves type away in madness to ungrateful co-workers. Let our sleeping selves believe that it is impossible. Let the awakened version pursue those "impossible" dreams and make that a very possible reality.
I challenge you: what is your best dream? and how will you make it real?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Fall
As the leaves begin to fall (in all other places beside "no-season California") I am reminded that I am approaching the close of another year. Another year older, another 365 days gone to memory and another 365 in cubicle hell. There seems to be a shift in the season here, the blazing heat of a delayed summer seems to have caused people to wake up and react. We may not having falling leaves in California but people are sure falling out of this job. And I find myself stepping forward in line awaiting my turn to leap off the branch. Falling is such an interesting and exhilarating experience. In the beginning you feel that you have just made a huge mistake. You hear your voice screaming inside of your head and then realize you are also screaming out-loud. You panic thinking that you are surely headed toward impending doom and then suddenly you feel this sense of calm. You realize that no matter how hard or scary the impact, that you knew exactly why you took this leap and that you are going to be okay. That sense of falling rejuvenates each and every cell and the pumping adrenaline gives you new life.
You begin to recognize that you are in control of this fall and you are definitely ready to prepare yourself for the landing. Now landings are tricky things because you have so many options. As you hover over the ground you begin to consider all of your options. You could land behind the lens of a camera, at a writing desk, in a foreign country and you realize that these are all fantastic options. You begin to weigh the options of each landing and know that no matter which one you choose, you are going to stick this landing. You may wobble and your heart may be racing but you are prepared for each of these. And so as you soar closer to the ground you have to ask yourself, when I land, will I be proud of my journey? And when you feel proud then you know you are on the right path.
For me, my pride is injured and limping and one of my wings is faltering but I know that with this changing season I am beginning to see the ground more clearly and that even this stumble was part of the path. All I hope is that before I make that final landing I can kick that damn company hawk that injured my wing in the freakin' face!
You begin to recognize that you are in control of this fall and you are definitely ready to prepare yourself for the landing. Now landings are tricky things because you have so many options. As you hover over the ground you begin to consider all of your options. You could land behind the lens of a camera, at a writing desk, in a foreign country and you realize that these are all fantastic options. You begin to weigh the options of each landing and know that no matter which one you choose, you are going to stick this landing. You may wobble and your heart may be racing but you are prepared for each of these. And so as you soar closer to the ground you have to ask yourself, when I land, will I be proud of my journey? And when you feel proud then you know you are on the right path.
For me, my pride is injured and limping and one of my wings is faltering but I know that with this changing season I am beginning to see the ground more clearly and that even this stumble was part of the path. All I hope is that before I make that final landing I can kick that damn company hawk that injured my wing in the freakin' face!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Bravery
What is bravery? What does it take to have gumption in your life? If you close your eyes, pick a town and just move away on a whim, is that irresponsible or brave?
We are told to "soul-search" to take quiet moments and learn about ourselves, find out who we are and what we want to do with our lives. We are encourage to dream big, love big, laugh big, and yet in the midst of these encouraging words we are also told to plan ahead, save for a rainy day, be smart, be responsible. So which is it? Are we the dreamers, are we the ones who take risks and live adventures or are we the financially saavy, invested, older than our age adults who play it safe.
If you aren't happy isn't it okay to just take a leap of faith and try something new? I have this constant nagging vision of myself. This image that plays over and over again inside of my head and when it makes it appearance fills me with the most indescribable happiness....what is this dream you ask? Well the scene opens as you walk through the french doors into a library/office surrounding with shelves of well-worn books and hardwood floors. There is a desk with a stagnant computer the blinking light opened to the newest unwritten page in the newest unfinished novel. Look to the right and you will find a large oversized chair with the most comfortable blanket draped lovingly over it's back. And from this chair you can gaze out through the french doors onto the lake outside nestled in a quiet and dense forest. It is in this lakeside cabin that I live, dream, breath and exist as entirely my own person.
So why am I instead residing in a room inside a tiny condo with a dysfunctional family and 3 dogs? Well you see this is only a vision, a dream right? It is something that you hope to achieve one day but that you accept may never come to pass, right? Right?
I'm starting to think no, not right. Why shouldn't I have that dream at 25. Why shouldn't I seek out this dream house by the lake and snuggle my way into that chair? Why do we always tell ourselves that our deepest dearest dreams must wait. Why do we prolong our happiness in favor of responsibility?
And so I back pedal to my original question and ask, if you were to pick up and move to a small lakeside town on a whim; abandon the career, the comfort and the responsibility and seek out your true dream, wouldn't that make you brave? Wouldn't that make you the hero of your own life? I am having trouble finding enough reasons to say no...
We are told to "soul-search" to take quiet moments and learn about ourselves, find out who we are and what we want to do with our lives. We are encourage to dream big, love big, laugh big, and yet in the midst of these encouraging words we are also told to plan ahead, save for a rainy day, be smart, be responsible. So which is it? Are we the dreamers, are we the ones who take risks and live adventures or are we the financially saavy, invested, older than our age adults who play it safe.
If you aren't happy isn't it okay to just take a leap of faith and try something new? I have this constant nagging vision of myself. This image that plays over and over again inside of my head and when it makes it appearance fills me with the most indescribable happiness....what is this dream you ask? Well the scene opens as you walk through the french doors into a library/office surrounding with shelves of well-worn books and hardwood floors. There is a desk with a stagnant computer the blinking light opened to the newest unwritten page in the newest unfinished novel. Look to the right and you will find a large oversized chair with the most comfortable blanket draped lovingly over it's back. And from this chair you can gaze out through the french doors onto the lake outside nestled in a quiet and dense forest. It is in this lakeside cabin that I live, dream, breath and exist as entirely my own person.
So why am I instead residing in a room inside a tiny condo with a dysfunctional family and 3 dogs? Well you see this is only a vision, a dream right? It is something that you hope to achieve one day but that you accept may never come to pass, right? Right?
I'm starting to think no, not right. Why shouldn't I have that dream at 25. Why shouldn't I seek out this dream house by the lake and snuggle my way into that chair? Why do we always tell ourselves that our deepest dearest dreams must wait. Why do we prolong our happiness in favor of responsibility?
And so I back pedal to my original question and ask, if you were to pick up and move to a small lakeside town on a whim; abandon the career, the comfort and the responsibility and seek out your true dream, wouldn't that make you brave? Wouldn't that make you the hero of your own life? I am having trouble finding enough reasons to say no...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
That's MY life....
Do you ever have that feeling that someone else is living your life? It's like in kindergarten when the kid next to you steals your snack and you say "Hey! That's mine" Inevitably they respond with something inspired like "Is your name on it?" I mean, no, of course my name isn't plastered on that snack, it isn't emblazoned on that life but it's mine!
I went to see "Eat, Pray, Love" the other night with a friend and I walked away feeling like I was watching a version of my life a decade ahead of me. She had everything that I wanted and felt like everything was deconstructing much the way I do now. And yet, while I stand on the curb watching my home burn to the ground, she got up took a deep breath and ran the complete opposite direction to find her true life. And when she quietly utters the sentiment that she had helped in building this life so "why don't I see myself in it" I felt the imperceptible feeling of water accumulating under my lashes.
How can it be possible that at 25 I already feel lost in the beginning of my life? How is it that I have spent so much energy convincing myself that flying is impossible instead of finding a way to soar. I mulled this over all night as I created the much procrastinated portfolio for my photojournalism application. Was I really sitting on the sidelines of my life? Me? The girl who was convinced that she would not have an ordinary life. The girl who stubbornly stamped her feet in demand of an adventurous existence. Could that be the same girl sitting hour after hour in 3 1/2 walls of gray cubicle staring at a monitor that makes my head explode?
I realize now how much we are our own cable. We silently dream of flying and space and traveling the globe and then we smile politely and pat ourselves on the head thinking "aw how cute you dream of flying". But what is wrong with that? What is wrong with dreaming the big dreams. Yes, maybe it's improbable, maybe when you look at the numbers achieving your dream resembles the odds of winning the lottery but even with the lottery, someone wins eventually right? Why not let that someone be little ole' you.
And so I as I watched this beautiful woman independently search for meaning and existence in far off distant lands I realized, why can't that be my life? Yes, maybe she has lived it and stolen it from my grasps while I was still twirling my hair in high school but that doesn't mean I can't join in. That doesn't mean I can't hop on board and become the next travel writer, the next photographer of exotic lands. That doesn't mean that it can't be MY life too. We can share a dream, right?
I went to see "Eat, Pray, Love" the other night with a friend and I walked away feeling like I was watching a version of my life a decade ahead of me. She had everything that I wanted and felt like everything was deconstructing much the way I do now. And yet, while I stand on the curb watching my home burn to the ground, she got up took a deep breath and ran the complete opposite direction to find her true life. And when she quietly utters the sentiment that she had helped in building this life so "why don't I see myself in it" I felt the imperceptible feeling of water accumulating under my lashes.
How can it be possible that at 25 I already feel lost in the beginning of my life? How is it that I have spent so much energy convincing myself that flying is impossible instead of finding a way to soar. I mulled this over all night as I created the much procrastinated portfolio for my photojournalism application. Was I really sitting on the sidelines of my life? Me? The girl who was convinced that she would not have an ordinary life. The girl who stubbornly stamped her feet in demand of an adventurous existence. Could that be the same girl sitting hour after hour in 3 1/2 walls of gray cubicle staring at a monitor that makes my head explode?
I realize now how much we are our own cable. We silently dream of flying and space and traveling the globe and then we smile politely and pat ourselves on the head thinking "aw how cute you dream of flying". But what is wrong with that? What is wrong with dreaming the big dreams. Yes, maybe it's improbable, maybe when you look at the numbers achieving your dream resembles the odds of winning the lottery but even with the lottery, someone wins eventually right? Why not let that someone be little ole' you.
And so I as I watched this beautiful woman independently search for meaning and existence in far off distant lands I realized, why can't that be my life? Yes, maybe she has lived it and stolen it from my grasps while I was still twirling my hair in high school but that doesn't mean I can't join in. That doesn't mean I can't hop on board and become the next travel writer, the next photographer of exotic lands. That doesn't mean that it can't be MY life too. We can share a dream, right?
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| Florence, Italy at sunset |
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